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Jeff Otah’s Escalade Gets Jacked in Uptown Charlotte

By Brinson | August 19, 2008

Hint for all future persons ever driving an expensive car in an urban area at night: if you see people on the corner near you start walking over when you pull up, bust out the old “Reverse” trick.

And Jeff Otah, Panthers rookie lineman, probably wishes his brother knew about that trick, as he is now out of one Cadillac Escalade (although insurance will probably get his back) after having it robbed from not his possession sometime in the history of the world (seriously, when, people; it’s a common thing to use in news reporting.)

Investigators say Marcellus Morris stole from one of this year’s first round draft picks –- Jeff Otah.The Panthers’ player’s brother had actually borrowed the Cadillac Escalade and was carjacked in Uptown.

Charlotte’s Violent Criminal Apprehension Team, or VCAT, is looking for Morris.

“As he pulled into his apartment complex, he noticed two guys standing on the corner they approached him, one with a rifle, one with a pistol, pulled it on him, carjacked him, then robbed him,” Officer Tim Slater said.

Ah, I see, Charlotte ACTION NEWZ (not the actual name of the station). Otah himself wasn’t in the car. It was just his brother who happened to be robbed. But by all means, make sure and try to hide that fact as much as possible in the written story you’re providing. Also: when. That would be kind of courteous of you.

In non-sarcastic good news, it appears that they know who the carjackers was: Marcellus Morris, mentioned above, who is like the Jesse James of Charlotte, because he’s wanted for doing all this stuff (most wanted, in fact) but the capable Charlotte police just can’t seem to get their hands on him. It’s 2008, guys. Let’s grow up and catch some criminals, m’kay.

Of course, the other theory — proposed by one Ryan Wilson and to which I am wholeheartedly subscribing — is that Marcellus Morris isn’t even a real person, just a streetcode pseudonym for a far more dangerous criminal mastermind. How else can you explain the inability of the police to catch the crook, or the total lack of fingerprints? Mittens, that’s how.

No, really. It’s the only possible way to explain how the Charlotte police simply cannot catch this one guy. David Carr’s not actually in New York. He’s in Charlotte, robbing the Panthers blind at every turn, just like last year!