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Tank You Very Much
By Brinson | October 26, 2007
Despite all the prolonged talk of parity in the NFL, there’s a distinguished proletariat that has emerged thus far in the 2007 season. And yes, jerkstore, for the purpose of this particular discussion, we’re referring to the Roman proletariat, not the Marxist version. Anyway, there’s an elite pair of teams you may have heard about, followed by the Cowboys in the next tier alone, then a slew of just above or right at .500 teams, followed by 10 teams sitting at either 3-4 or 2-4 and then the really bad teams. They are, in a very particular order, the St. Louis Rams (0-7) , New York Jets (1-6), Miami Dolphins (0-7) and the Atlanta Falcons (1-6).
“Yes,” you say, “all of these teams certainly do suck. What’s your point?”
Our point is that we couldn’t stop hearing about teams in the NBA tanking games last year, all gunning for a shot at Kevin Durant or Greg Oden. And it seems relevant to ask whether or not any of the above teams, whose play has been putrid beyond belief, are guilty of the same immoral infraction. We’ll be rating them on ten point scales after the jump.
St. Louis Rams
-It seems unlikely, right? They were a sexy preseason pick to make some serious noise in the NFC West and possibly the playoffs with studs Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger and Torry Holt leading the way. Suddenly creaky road grader Orlando Pace drops, Jackson is out with a shredded groin and Bulger has busted ribs.
The Prize: It’s hard to imagine the Rams see anyone at the top of the draft board really worth going after. They’ve basically maxed themselves out with Bulger and S-Jax and while Holt and Isaac Bruce aren’t exactly spry youngsters, Big Game has plenty of them left and they did just add whiteout specialist Drew Bennett in the offseason. Not many upper-echelon secondary prospects coming out, but there are a slew of senior defensive linemen available including Glen Dorsey from LSU, Chris Long from UVA and Sedrick Ellis from USC.
Tank Factor: 2 out of 10. Maybe even lower. Their -113 point differential this year just goes to show you how banged up they are. Besides, while they could win out from here and probably make the playoffs, they could also go .500 starting now and still p-out a studly d-lineman to compliment Carriker and the aging Leonard Little.
New York Jets
- Lots of people are quick to chalk this fresh start on the karmic returns for Mangini tattle-telling on Belichick. Chalk it up to last year being a fluke after winning games against teams who really weren’t very good (Raiders, Dolphins, Titans pre VY).
The Prize: Is Kellen Clemens really the answer there? Really? Of course, Matt Ryan of BC, Andre Woodson or Brian Brohm could be. They’re set at receiver but it’s not like Thomas Jones has given them a whole lot of reason to want to pass on Darren McFadden either.
Tank Factor: 4.5 out of 10. Um…Anyone wanna tell us why Chad Pennington is still taking snaps for a 1-6 team? Clemens at least looked decent–>good against the Ravens earlier this year so why not see what you’ve got? Of course, if you know people love you enough in the City to give you a few more years, then we could imagine you’d be willing to take a couple of L’s to rebuild for the future a little more.
Miami Dolphins
- This team is soooooooo bad. Cleo Lemon, Jessie Chatman and Marty Booker are the “big three”. You really have to feel bad for Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor.
The Prize: Sheesh. Where don’t they need help? Cam Cameron’s an offensive guy (and good at drafting too, right Ted Ginn!?!) so there’s a decent chance they go after something for the future, but you have to think a core of John Beck (we’re very high), Ted Ginn (lukewarm) and Ronnie Brown (if he can recover from the ACL tear) would be pretty, pretty nice. But Brown’s no lock and Cameron’s clearly not a fan based on the preseason so McFadden is definitely in play. As could be Ryan, Woodsen or Brohm.
Tank Factor: 7.8 out of 10. Obviously they didn’t want Ronnie Brown to get hurt, but you have to question how much the team cares when they’re shipping Chris Chambers off for a second rounder, starting a Trent Green and Cleo Lemon combo and drafting Ted Ginn in the first round. Oh. That last one was for serious?
Atlanta Falcons
- When you’re in the basement of the NFC South, life isn’t good. Bobby Petrino has DeAngelo Hall screaming at him, Warrick Dunn apparently questioning him in the media and the Falcons can’t buy a close win.
The Prize: No question about it. It’s Brohm. Petrino coached him at Louisville and he’s going to draft him to run his offense. The funny thing is that all of this quasi-cheating is going to waste since they can get Brohm anywhere in the top five. Unless someone else snakes them and gets Patrick Kerney and Grady Jackson in a trade.
Tank Factor: 10 out of 10. Oh right. Petrino let his two best defensive players walk. In addition, there’s a distinct possibility he just straight up framed Michael Vick for that whole dog business, just to go after Brohm. Seriously, Petrino is a man possessed. Why the hell else would he let Joey Harrington start, refusing to sign anyone else and then refusing to play Byron Leftwich for a while once he finally did. He’s now talking about a “youth movement” that would see Dunn and the rest of the vets get seriously reduced roles. He must think this team is close to squeaking out a 3-13 record. Either that or he’s trying to match the Fins.
October 26th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
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